Perhaps, you find yourself at a point of your journey where you feel compelled to investigate the truth about the quality of you Love and how much Self-Love you really feel within you. As you probably already know, whether of not you are in a romantic relationship is not a measuring tool for your inner love. Your inner connection is. However, intensified by current collective energies many of us are dealing with a frequent feeling of loneliness and difficulties to connect within.
Loving and trusting somebody requires us to be able to love ourselves first. If we don’t feel good enough or undeserving of love we can’t trust in ourselves; and thus we can't trust others. Feeling unloved can mean that we are not quite willing yet to trust in our Self-Love yet, which is often linked to perceiving ourselves as flawed or not meeting our own or projected expectations. We are simply not in a loving relationship with ourselves yet.
From this perspective it’s understandable that we find it challenging to invite True Love into our lives and perhaps even dismiss or give up on it altogether. To overcome conditionality in Love we need to be willing to love others as ourselves. The key to this is in reflecting on the conditions and limitations of how we perceive love. Follow me here and let's reflect on how to overcome the Conditions of Love:
Conditionality & Unconditionality
Most of us mentally know that our general ability to love and express love depend on our inner connection and ability to love ourselves. However, we were all raised and programmed with the notion that we have to be in a certain way in order to 'deserve' love. We were taught that love is conditional, that we need to control it and that it needs an object. These three programs are the most common energetic blocks for allowing Self-Love and thus True Love in relationships.
However, the presence of such programs and resulting behavior patterns is not the main focus of integration work with the energetic resonance of True Love. The transcendence of our mental beliefs, emotional conditioning and negative experiences is something we all need to work on if we want to spiritually and emotionally mature. The deeper level of working with True Love is by understanding its energetic dynamics.
Love, like any energetic state, permeates from inside out and attracts the corresponding energetic response in others. If we can manage to shift our inner attitude towards Love through unconditionally loving ourselves we can instantly shift the quality of our relationships. As our focus changes from being or needing an object of love to becoming love, it allows us to transcend the associated patterns and fantasies from a higher level of consciousness - and most importantly develops our manifestation ability to attract people in our lives, who resonate with us on the same level.
Naturally, this doesn’t mean that we don’t need to work on our behavior patterns, but if we do this from a standpoint of wanting to improve our overall perception, integrity and quality of life, we can trust in our higher consciousness to become more congruent with our True Self in the process.
From an energetic perspective, Love is not conditional! It describes an inner state of connectedness, which does not depend on how well we perform in the eyes of others or ourselves. Anyone who practices true Self-Love through his/her inner heart connection can find that there is an immeasurable amount Love within themselves - without having to do anything or needing another person to project it onto!
The key to Love and Self-Love is Unconditionality. Unconditionality means to love and feel deserving of Love regardless of how we perceive ourselves. Our self-perception is distorted by the endless looping of our rehearsed Critical Inner Voice, telling us that we are flawed. In order to transcend the conditionality of our falsely perceived Self, we need to learn how to neutralize inner programs making us believe that we or the other has to be or do certain things in order to deserve love. Instead of externalizing Love, we need to make ourselves the subject of love.
Our Understanding of Love in Relationships
By taking a deep look within ourselves we can discover all kinds of formed opinions, beliefs, expectations, fantasies and programs around Love. Conscious or not, these conditions are the biggest stumbling blocks for truly loving ourselves (and others.)
The quality of our relationships, past, present or future, is directly connected to the restrictions and limitations of our inner relationship and capacity for Self-Love. If we cannot trust in the love within ourselves we can't truly love others.
Solar-Plexus Love is a conditional form of Love powered by the will-power of our 3rd Chakra. Energetically seen it is linked to our dissonances and attachments in our lower physical Chakras. It is therefore often based on inner insecurities, fragmentation, Inner Child attachment styles, neediness, ego, pride and projection of love. Solar-Plexus Love is driven by our lower emotional states and tends to activate resonating issues in our partner. It also seldom allows for true intimacy, because it unconsciously fulfills the purpose of making us whole or filling the lack of self-love of one or both partners. It constantly needs to be fed, sustained or reassured through activities, props and projections.
Relationships based on a Solar-Plexus projection between two people need an object, but due to the lack of inner love they often leave us feeling lonely deep within. They can cause Fantasy Bonds (see Dr. Lisa Firestone) and are often present in narcissistic love relationships. Needless to point out that they typically lead to disappointments and painful experiences in relationships.
In contrast to this very common form of Conditional Love in relationships, True Love between two people is emanating through both their individual heart-field and connects us on the level of our higher Consciousness Chakras. It is self-propelling, unconditional, forgiving, self-correcting, expansive and based on Self-Love. In True Love Relationships the focus is not on what we do but who we are. A True Love Relationship requires us to be aligned to unconditional love
In “Understanding True Love Relationships” I described it as: “Unconditional Love is ego-less. It is an energy that surrenders to the Love for All…. the kind of Love the universe ‘feels’ for the totality of its holographic dimensions, parents feel for their children, a flower feels for its petals, a leaf feels for the wind that makes it dance… it is the Love of creation, the Love of the Divine, which does not expect anything in return. It does not require any payback… it just IS.”
Overcoming Conditions of Love
To transform our view of Love away from conditions, objects, hopes, dreams and attachments of Love we need to look at our earliest conditioning and experiences with Love.
Externalizing your Love and looking for it outside of you objectifies your Love, yourself and worst of all, our present or potential partner.
Conditions of Love typically express in defensive behaviors, control mechanisms, energetic ties, emotional manipulation and intimacy issues and are often also linked to addiction, shadow-traits and ego-specialness. For most of us this points into the direction of Mother, Father and Inner Child aspects and often shows us our core connection issues (e.g. inner masculine and feminine connection).
With this awareness, unconditionally loving means to be willing to leave our past, our fears and our projections behind and to apply forgiveness and compassion for ourselves, others, all events and circumstances. And the way to accomplish this on a practical level is to recognize the beauty and perfection in ALL there is, including our own condition right now!
Lovingness means that you made yourself the Subject of Love, expressing your love for who you are, what you do and how you do it – at all times!
The moment you can recognize that everything in your life is an expression of the greater unconditional Divine Love permeating through you is the moment when you begin to truly loving yourselves.
“Being ready for a True Love relationship means to be willing to let go of all our ego illusions, including the need for ‘eternal foreverness’, the idea of a perfect relationship, and being perfect ourselves. It means to heal our soul first. Without this understanding, a relationship and life based on truth, inner love and heart-connection is not for us! We will simply not be congruent enough! We will lack maturity and strength to stand in a frequency free of patterns and programs, expectations, manipulations and control; and we will continually gravitate in and out of our heart-field, back into the dissonance of unrealistic expectations.
If we are still struggling with letting go of our mental and emotional programs, power-based behavior patterns, emotional manipulation, defensive reactivity, inner child attachment issues or ego/shadow-based perception, a True Love relationship simply won’t resonate with us.
Without dismantling our ego-control we will unconsciously continue to make compromises or allow our inner integrity to be violated by either toxic or non-existent relationships; we will continue to pretend everything is okay when it’s not; we will spend more energy trying to maintain the way things are than allowing truth and growth; and we will probably continue to struggle with our inner connection and balance of masculinity & femininity.
There is no judgment in this statement. It is our right to choose, but we cannot feed the illusion of a perfect relationship if we are not able to truly loving ourselves!
Being on a journey of living truth and true love comes with a price – inner congruence and integrity. Once we have committed ourselves to love with an open heart, looking one way and walking another can be even more painful than being alone.”
("Understanding True Love Relationships")