Self-Love is our most powerful inner healing resonance and yet practically the most neglected amonst us empaths. From an energetic point of view there is an innate connection between being an empath and being co-dependent. We run about our lives as if there is a lion was chasing us, trying to please others or simply fulfill our perceived duties as mothers, daughters, lovers or workers. We feel caught between feeling the right to live and love ourselves, and yet unconsciously externalize our love to others.
In energy work we understand, that the transformation of physical, mental, emotional or spiritual disharmonies is merely a matter of aligning ourselves, our thoughts, emotions and actions to the right frequency. But in order to feel loved, we need to feel alive first! The needed frequency for feeling unconditional self love, which translates to ourselves is called Self-Love and shared with others True Love (read "Understanding True Love") comes not form the outside, but from within!
CO-DEPENDENCY AS COPING MECHANISM
Codependency is mainly conditioned in our developmental years through circumstances or parents who were not able to make us feel safe and loved, we are forced to come up with ways that can create the illusion of safety and the feeling of being loved. Emotionally (or sometimes even physically) unsafe conditions can be caused by many different scenarios, typically in connection with addictive behavioral family structures or extreme narcissism of our caregivers. However, the majority of times it's our parent's inability to self-love in the first place; inherited from previous generations of addictive family structure.
One of the most common coping mechanisms in order to self-nurture love, in men and women alike, is the externalization of inner love through co-dependency. Without the internalized feeling of self-love, we make our inner feeling depend on others. We become masters in assessing other people’s emotional states and instead of staying in our center, focus on ‘keeping others happy’.
On the surface, we think we are loved for our selflessness. Our society has many role models that fit this program and make us feel good about ourselves. However, internally, we often feel victimized and develop inner resentment, as this kind of love comes with a price…. Conditionality.
Apart from the extreme examples of battered women or emotionally abused husbands, co-dependency can be identifies in the strong need for pleasing and conforming. The truth however is, that underlying our need to please a converted form of manipulation and control is taking place; often totally unaware to us.
Those of us with codependent tendencies are often very judgmental – in regards to others and mostly to ourselves. Because we were never really taught to properly love ourselves, love is conditional to us. ‘If I am good, I will be loved.’ This and many other inner statements are typical for codependent behavioral patterns.
Of course, this is just a very abbreviated version of this complex subject, but in a simplified way it shows where our issues with Self-Love originated. In order to overcome these powerful programs preventing you from feeling loved, no matter what, it can be helpful to dedicate some time for inner reflection and self-healing.
SELF-LOVE, UNCONDITIONAL & TRUE LOVE
‘Energetically seen, self love is a state of energy in which a person is in complete acceptance of Self, whole, congruent and able to unconditionally love him/herself and thus others.
Unconditional Love is ego-less. It is an energy that surrenders to the Love for All…. the kind of Love the universe ‘feels’ for the totality of it’s holographic dimensions, parents feel for their children, a flower feels for its petals, a leaf feels for the wind that makes it dance… It is the Love of creation, the Love of the Divine, which does not expect anything back. It does not require any payback…it just IS.
Unconditional Self-Love is based on Wholeness within and can be felt for in a flower, a baby, music, water, a laughing child, a person’s smile, a dog’s wagging tail or ideally, for every learning experience. It is the resonance needed to attract our True Love into our lives, inside and outside.
True Love means loving everything we are, do, feel or think. If we don’t/can’t love what we are, do, feel or think we are counteracting and imploding this field within us. If we cannot love ourselves, others can’t love us – we cannot love others. ‘
(excerpt from ‘Unconditionally Loving Ourselves and in Relationships')
SELF-HEALING WITH SELF-LOVE
In order to experience happiness and with it a life according to our fullest potential two major steps are necessary:
1. Reconnecting with the state of our inner Unconditional Love – ‘Self-Love’
2. Transcending Ego: identifying, clearing, accepting and integrating of inner programs
Ego is comprised of learned coping mechanisms. Whenever we are challenged emotionally, physically, mentally or spiritually, our ego will come up with a pattern or program to secure our survival. Most programs are conditioned patterns, roles or fake identities, often karmic or archetypal in nature, which can influence our perception of self and unconsciously determine our behavior. These often blindspotted conditionings and ego patterns are the main reason why we (think we) cannot feel Self-Love.
SELF-REFLECTION & INVENTORY
There are many different tools and modalities that can help us to relfect. Meditation and Energy Work are probably the most here at transCODES are dedicated to assist us in finding back to our inner Unconditional Lovingness – as a women, sister, mother, daughter, friend, lover or beloved. Our ability to self-love shows in all areas of our lives.
To improve your inner connection and self-love, take a brief moment to reflect:
Are you fully congruent with your True Self?
Can you see and honor True Self in others?
Do you still infringe on others by projection of your own shadow?
Do you judge others?
Do you tend to shrink yourself?
Are you still caught in defensive patterns? Take things too personally?
Do you need control mechanisms to feel loved?
Do you listen to your Inner Guidance? Are you aware of your inner needs?
Can you find appreciation and gratitude in all there is?
How much time do you spend time on connecting with yourself?
Do you use other coping mechanisms like shopping, alcohol, cigarettes, meds to feel safe?
Do you question your Inner Divinity?
Do you still feel victimized?
Can you unconditionally love yourself even when you ‘messed up’?
Can you accept your physical limitations?…
CO-DEPENDENCY & SHADOW WORK
Our unconscious Shadow aspects can play a major role in repetitive relationship issues; and not just in our romantic relationships! Whether we are aware of it or not Shadow Traits can show in emotional manipulation, sexual projection, victimhood, specialness, superiority and disdain can all lead to co-dependencies. If we want to know how to transcend our persistent relationship patterns we need to get to the deeper aspects of our unseen energetic interaction and learn how they express in our relationships.
To see this, we need to realize how hammering collective programming can trigger our shadow and increase our ego's illusion leading to emptiness and disconnect if we are not in a perfect relationship - and how they exacerbate your inner conflict between wanting True Love and fears of intimacy - isolation and meaningless - and lack of joy and meaning in life altogether.
If you want to actively transform your inner and outer relationship make it a practice to spend 5 minutes in the morning to contemplate and affirm your inner Self-Love!
For those of you who want to go further and consciously shed some light into what IN us leads or enables our co-dependency, check out our Shadow Work transMISSION or consider working with our GRACE Recovery or GRACE Trauma Healing modalities in private sessions, especially if you are dealing with co-depnendency in conjunction with addictions.
Working through the unseen blindspots of our perception it can be beneficial to experience conditionality and ties for ourselves, int he safe space of guided self-reflection without outer interaction. Through allowing ourselves to experience our inner state of love we can dive deeper into our inner patterns and to heal them!
Thank you for your time!!!